IF THIS IS ART, THEN I AM NOT AN ARTIST

SPOILER:  This posting contains the proper names of body parts that still might be offensive to some.

I know I said I wasn't going to write until after January 1, but this experience was just too good for me not to comment on.

I know that I have creative ability.  I do not consider myself an artist.  A real artist might give everything up for a career in art.  They do strange things like womanize, cut off ears and drink too much absinthe.  These are, of course, only things I have read about.

I am too accustomed to paying bills on time, eating out and wearing washed clothing to even waste time
fantasizing about being an artist.  My brother called me a "dabbler" and he is probably right.  (Don't worry, I didn't take offense baby bro)  My grandson taught me a lesson a while back about just enjoying the process.
I accept all of this.  And so our story starts...

I took a day off before the real Christmas  madness starts to stroll through a few museums in Houston.

I wandered into a display of hometown artists and ran smack dab into a line of sticks of butter cast in plaster.  These sticks of butter were in various stage of "melt", in the background I kept hearing a male voice repeating: "WORK (pause) HARD."  I turned to see where the voice was coming from and finally located the source.  In the middle of the room there was a triangle of three TV sets facing one another.

I soon realized why they were facing each other.  The butter had been sculpted into various shapes by the penis of the creator.  For ten sessions this cat sculpted butter sticks with his erect penis and filmed it for us.

All I could think of was the sequence in Love Actually when the school girls were giggling loudly at the naked men wearing Santa hats.  The director of the exhibit says to them "It's not funny, it's art."  Well lemme tell ya somethin'...IT IS DAMN FUNNY!

On a beautiful Wednesday afternoon in Houston , Texas I am watching a penis sculpt butter! On three screens! Could it get any better...well, yeah! Read on...

The second exhibit of the artist was a stationary bicycle that had a bronze seat.  The bronze seat had a patina of green.  As I read the why and how, I was glad to be the only person standing in the room.  This man had not only sculpted butter with his penis, he had created the patina on the bronze by riding naked on the bike for 650 miles. His butt  sweat caused the oxidation on the bronze.  I was glad I didn't touch the seat!

Now, I am not making a judgement.  Art is designed to evoke emotions and these two pieces certainly did.
I had to leave the museum to laugh until I cried.  Salty was buying a coke across the street, I could hardly wait to compose myself and take him in.  Looking at his face was hilarious, I started laughing all over again.
We had to beat a hasty retreat back outside. He didn't find it quite as funny as I.

I will never look at sticks of butter or the stationary bikes at the gym in the same way ever again.  I also want to promise my family, who most receive the efforts of my creativity, I have never and will never sweat on, rub, sit on, press against  any of my efforts with naked body parts.  You are safe this Christmas to handle the gift I have created for you.

You have my solemn promise!