My blog has become a lot about the journey we are taking to divesting ourselves of senseless stuff.
The words on the screen this evening won't be jovial or funny. My heart is breaking at the loss of something really important, my dear sister.
At this writing she is suspended somewhere between this life and the next. We so desperately want to cling to her and hold her here but know we cannot. My only solace, for I cannot speak for my sisters and brother, is that my dad is waiting for her there. Quite possibly he is teaching her how to cross over and enter through the gate with him. Please, please God let this be so.
Up to this point I have been able to compartmentalize my pain. Work has been an absolute hiding place from the pain and I have been grateful for it. Today was the first time for me that the pain saw the light of day. It usually creeps up on me in the middle of the night and suddenly swallows me whole. I cannot escape it then. It will not be shoved into the little compartment I have gotten so good at cramming it into every day.
For me, tears mean weakness. An inability to get the job done because you are letting your emotions get in the way. Don't show any cracks, hide your pain at all costs, always be strong. I often wonder how this shell formed around me. Now as the pain of losing my sister hammers away at me, I wonder if it can possibly
hold up.
I already know the answer. This loss will change me forever. It will change all of us forever. We will each lose part of who we are as a familial unit. It will rend a huge tear in the shell I have so carefully spun around myself. In order to process this huge loss, I will have to feel the pain. I will have to show weakness and lean
on others to get through it. I am afraid I cannot bear it gracefully. I not only want to cry, but scream, kick, destroy something...in other words, fall apart.
I will listen hard to hear my sisters tinkly laugh. She was funny and brave, always doing something crazy.
She loved the beach and dressing up. I will summon all my memories and store her in my heart. I will cry at the loss of her and try to incorporate her sunny heart into my daily life. I will hold tight to the sisters and brothers I have left in this world. I will feel mortal and maybe more afraid of future losses. Right now though, I will remember Connie.
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